Family Consultancy
The best possible outcome
Family Consultants are highly experienced counsellors, coaches or mediators who work with individuals, couples and their families helping them to negotiate their way through divorce or separation. I work as part of an interdisciplinary team of professionals which includes lawyers, financial experts and child specialists. In the collaborative process, all the professionals are totally committed to helping couples reach divorce settlements without going to court. Our aim is to place control firmly in the hands of the client, with support from the professionals.
Each individual couple or family has their own unique needs and it is vital that the right people work on the right problem at the right time. Whilst the balance will be different for each individual client, most need a combination of legal, emotional and financial advice or support if they are to achieve the best possible outcome.
How does it work?
As a family consultant, my role is to provide a brief intervention that focuses entirely on the practical and emotional issues around divorce or separation. The process starts with an initial discussion – either over the phone or in person when the key issues facing the individual or couple can be identified. The process is flexible - clients can choose whether to meet with me individually or as a couple – some find that one session is enough, others may choose to meet throughout the divorce process.
If a couple enter the divorce process together, actively seeking the best approach for them and their family, then further deterioration of the relationship can be prevented to everyone’s benefit, most importantly children’s. Where appropriate, and if the client thinks it would be helpful, I am also able to liaise with the other professionals in order to facilitate effective progress. I can also make referrals to lawyers, mediators or financial specialists from a network of professionals with whom I have good working relationships in Cambridge and also in London where I work as a consultant with Collaborate London. I am also a group facilitator for the Cambridge region for Divorce Support Group
Specifically, I can help in the following areas by providing
- A professional and confidential ‘sounding board’ and a safe place to discuss difficult issues and make important decisions
- Support in developing the co-parenting relationship, negotiating how best to help children and developing the parenting plan
- A means of improving communication between the couple and of reducing misunderstandings, both during the process and after to facilitate the post-divorce relationship
- Practical advice about how to take things forward and referrals on to other experienced professionals where appropriate
- Psychological and emotional support in dealing with the complex range of feelings such as anger and loss associated with the breakdown of marriage
Case vignettes
The following examples might be helpful in showing how working with a Family Consultant might be helpful. All names have been changed in order to protect confidentiality.
Ryan, a 14 year old boy, was struggling to cope with his parents’ divorce. We started meeting around the time that the family home was being sold. Despite the fact that the divorce was reasonably amicable, Ryan felt unable to express his feelings of anger and sadness and he felt as if he had to brave and strong, particularly around his mother. Arrangements between the parents and access were easily negotiated, and Ryan spent equal amounts of time with both of them. Yet Ryan still found the loss of the family home unbearable, when the house came to be sold. Our work together focused on working through his feelings and finding ways in which he could mourn this loss. We thought up ideas of treasuring his memories and gradually, he felt able to think about the future in a more positive way. We also worked on ways in which he could express his feelings to both parents so that he could let them know what was going on for him.
Simon came to see me 4 months after he had split up from his wife. They had been married for 15 years, with one daughter aged 7. The marriage had slowly come to an end but the final straw, had been when Simon’s wife, Marie, had an affair. Whilst they had both agreed to divorce, communication between them became very limited. Simon wanted help with this as he was very concerned that their relationship as co-parents might suffer if this continued. He felt frustrated that Marie’s focus was now on her new relationship and thought that she didn’t recognise the need to put their daughter before anything else. Simon and I worked together for a few months through the divorce process. Whilst our focus was on improving communication between him and Marie and in establishing the ground work for a good co-parenting relationship, Simon also made use of the sessions to process his own mixed emotions about the separation. As a result, they were able to talk more openly and work together as a team as co-parents.
Joanne and Mark approached me just before they had made a final decision about whether to divorce or to give their relationship one last try. On this, they had different views and the first session was a very difficult, painful experience for them both as they came to terms that the marriage was indeed at an end. Conflict was very high in the relationship and the children were suffering, which was evident in the consulting room. The work focused on helping both Joanne and Mark to process their feelings of anger, loss and sadness over the breakdown of their 20 year marriage and at the same time, having agreed their individual visions of the future, to work towards the best possible outcome for themselves and their children. They were also able to use the sessions to agree how best to proceed by exploring the different options for divorce, and were given pointers as to where they could access specific legal, financial and parenting expertise.